Two heartbeats. A should-have-been, joyful surprise, that set me crumbling. The next day, I drowned in the congratulations of my friends, void of enthusiasm. Like oil in water, I struggled to mix in with the excitement around me. No offense, but I had not wanted twins.

See, I had a plan to conceive one child in two years, not two children in less than nine months! Previously allotted time for increased savings, career advancement, and house hunting flew out the window. Twins changed everything. Our needs were now more urgent and less attainable. My timeline altered. My control stolen. My security shaken. I felt panicked. Self-centeredness blinded me, making it impossible to see past my fear. I was hungry for reassurance and frantically sought it out from any person in my path. 

My cry face wasn’t the ugliest part. I got scared. I felt like a cat in my toddler's arms: flipped, squeezed, gasping for breath and clawing for stability. I looked to others for deliverance, from family and friends to random people passing by on the sidewalk. When it didn’t come, I became disappointed and frustrated.

Side note: If someone tells you they are nervous about an upcoming struggle, they do not want to hear, ‘Well, you should pray about that.’ Which ironically came from mouths I have yet to see in or around a church building. Encouragement flowed when somebody responded a simple, ‘We will be here to help.’ Perhaps if you are choosing to be a spectator vs support, the more honest response would be, 'Good luck with that'. 

Follow-up side note: If you have chosen the, 'You are on your own' level of participation, you forfeit a future position of inclusion. This is not a consequence born of resentment. If you never show up to practice, you simply don't get to be a starter come game time. 

After a week of being an off the rails, total ->  PUNK, <-, God lead me to the Bible. No exaggeration, reading it brought immediate relief. Never again would I spend my useless efforts attempting to pry help out of empty hands. My lesson learned: there truly is life and peace in a mind governed by the spirit -Romans 8:9. With each surprise that followed, I applied my new-found wisdom and booked it to scripture.

And boy oh boy did the surprises come in hot. Next, we found out the 'twins', were girls. Which way do we wipe?! Next, an echocardiogram revealed heart defects in each. Reference how I feel about CHD. With the AV Canal, we received the 50/50 probability of Down syndrome. All the while, Cody's office changed dramatically, his workload increasing, in addition to finishing his degree. Our season as host parents was coming to an end, and that platform of ministry (three years of my life) would be unexpectedly discontinued. Oh yeah, and we were in the process of buying our first home, which had 13 heirs that needed tracked down, and a squatter living inside of it.

It became almost comical. Every area of my life became a question mark, yet I felt solid. The initial lesson of relinquishing control to God had set my feet on firm ground and my mind at ease. I even slept better, which is quite the testament given I was 8 months pregnant with twins. 

The transformation was an emotional flip from inadequate, to empowered, desperate to relaxed. Meanwhile, God worked in His own timing, and sure enough, to His glory, the suspense built until the very end. Then like a firework display, He began to show off. 

If you need to hear about God's faithfulness, provision and tangible presence, check it out- the last week, yes 7 days, of my pregnancy unfolded in this sequence of events: we closed on the house (squatter free!), demo'd that house, Cody got a new job, and I got induced. Love surged in around us. Family, friends, strangers...the body of Christ, cushioned us with support and prayer past that week and onto this day.

In hind sight, my world wasn't falling apart, it was falling into place. That first week, facing the upcoming rollercoaster of my pregnancy, I was throwing elbows to escape the line, but the wild ride brought me to a place I would never trade, even for a false sense of security.